The Cockney Bible

Cockney is the dialect of London recently a bible was printed in cockney.

Peculiar to Cockney is its rhyming slang. Wikipedia defines it like this “Rhyming slang is a form of slang in which a word is replaced by a rhyming word, typically the second word of a two-word phrase (so stairs becomes "apples and pears"). The second word is then often dropped entirely ("I'm going up the apples"), meaning that the association of the original word to the rhyming phrase is not obvious to the uninitiated. “

The Cockney Bible (from the story of Joseph) by God translated by Mike Coles.

The brothers want Joseph Brown Bread. He ends up in Egypt!

One day, Joseph popped off to a place called Shechem. His brothers were there lookin' after sheep. Jacob 'ad asked Joseph to check that everything was ok. When Joseph got there, 'e had a good ol' butcher's around, but couldn't find 'is brothers. Some geezer came up to 'im and asked, "Are you alrigh' me ol' china? What are you lookin' for?"

"I've been having a good butcher's for me brothers. They're taking care of their sheep," he answered. "You ain't seen them 'ave you?"

"They've moved on to a place called Dothan, I think I heard one of 'em say," replied the geezer. So, Joseph moved on to Dothan.

When 'is brothers saw 'im coming in the distance, they planned to kill him 'cos they hated his guts. "Let's kill that bloomin' little dreamer boy," they said. "We'll kill 'im and chuck his body dahn one of the dry wells. We'll say some nasty, wild animal killed 'im, then we'll see if his stupid dreams come true innit?"

One of the brothers Reuben, didn't want to see Joseph brown bread. "Don't kill 'im fella's," he said. "Let's just chuck him dahn the well for now." Reuben said this 'cos he wanted to return Joseph home safely a little later on. The brothers tore off Joseph's lovely new weasel, and they chucked him in the dry well.

As the brothers were 'aving their Judy and Punch, they saw some Ishmaelite traders pass by on their way to Egypt. The brothers suddenly came up with a plan. They said, "Let's not kill our little dreaming brother, 'cos 'e is our own flesh and blood. Let's just sell 'im to those traders." They all agreed, and they sold 'im for twenty bits of silver. The traders took 'im to Egypt.

A little alligator, Reuben returned to the well to get Joseph to send 'im home. When 'e saw that the well was empty, 'e got himself in a righ' ol' two and eight, and he tore his these and those. He wandered what 'e was gonna do.

The brothers then killed a goat, and dipped Joseph's weasel in its blood. They then took the weasel back to Jacob and said, "Dad. We found this weasel. Does it belong to your currant?"

"Oh no... it does," he said. "A wild animal must have killed him. My little currant has been ripped apart." Jacob was so sad, he tore his these and those (that's what they did in them days when they was really sad if someone died). He then wore some sack cloth material as his these and those, 'cos 'e was in a righ' ol' two and eight. His favourite currant was brown bread. He was real, real sad. All 'is currants and bottle's tried to cheer 'im up. But, 'e wanted no-one to help 'im. Jacob was never gonna get over the death of Joseph.

While all this was goin' on, the traders had arrived in Egypt. They sold Joseph to some geezer called Potiphar, quite an important fella. He was one of the Pharaoh's officers, captain of the Pharaoh's palace guard. Joseph became 'is slave.

Cockney rhyming slang glossary

Brown Bread = dead

Butcher’s =butcher’s hook = look

(ol') china = china plate = mate = friend

Weasel = weasel and stoat = coat

Judy and Punch = lunch

Alligator = later

two and eight = state = agitated

these and those = clothes

Currant = currant bun = son

Bottle = bottle of porter = daughter

Other cockney expressions

Geezer = guy, chap, man

Bloomin’ = damned

Innit = isn’t it (won’t we, aren’t they….etc)

‘cos = because

fella = fellow

dahn = down

gonna = going to

Jamie Oliver - a famous cockney geezer